HBO’s teaser trailer for episode nine (the episode usually reserved for huugggee battles) is all about an upcoming huugggee battle. Also the title of the episode is “Battle of the Bastards,” so there’s really no need to speculate here. I’m glad I don’t live in Westeros, where people can only remember one fact about you at a given time and will always refer to you as “bastard,” “dickless,” or “famous dwarf,” if given their druthers.
Anyway, it will be a great hour of television, based on our knowledge of the director, Miguel Sapochnik, who also directed season five’s “The Gift” and “Hardhome.” Most likely, the entire episode will focus on Winterfell and the cataclysmic events / shouting about to take place there, which will give us a nice reprieve from how boring and illogical everyone else has been this season (looking at you, Tyrion & The Gang).
ramsay is way crazier than a white walker, jon
Most importantly, it will be a good opportunity for Sansa to be right as hell about something, and for Jon Snow to show his true colors as “handsome, but not very smart.” In the teaser, we catch Jon striding dramatically into battle saying, “Battles have been won against greater odds… I’ve fought beyond the wall against worse than Ramsay Bolton.” At first it’s a great adrenaline rush, because his horse is cool-looking and he’s hot. But then Sansa pops up to remind him that he doesn’t know Ramsay Bolton at all. It’s a quick sound byte but I assume she continues on to say something along the lines of “Uh, you’ve fought zombies? Zombies are not really known for their military strategy, but fine.”
The mood of the trailer dips sharply at this point, and some internalized misogyny initially made me feel annoyed with Sansa for being a killjoy. But Jon probably should have a more concrete strategy than “I have done a different hard thing, so I’ll be fine.”
Then we skip to Jon telling Melisandre that she is not to resurrect him again, because he’s kind of tired of being alive and sassed by his baby half-sister (or cousin, probably). I’m feeling generous toward Jon so I’m going to interpret this as a sign that he actually listened to Sansa for once and had a moment of introspection. The first time he sees Ramsay’s horrid face IRL he is definitely reconsidering some things.
We also catch a glimpse of Tormund looking freaked out by a “HUNH HUNH” noise (very scary) and Wun Wun looking like he’s fuh-reaking out on some Bolton soldiers and delivering them to the grave. I sure hope Tormund can rally, because I have him drafted to my fantasy team and it’s about time that paid off in a category other than “dick jokes.”
Anyway, Bastard Bowl looks like it will be a grand old time — order your chicken wings and place your bets now, you don’t want to leave that to the last minute (like Jon did with all of his war ideas).