Let’s say this Fourth of July will be your first experience with fireworks. The scenario is hardly unlikely. Fireworks are illegal in a majority of states, and in those states that allow for the civilian usage of consumer-grade explosives, dozens of cities enforce bans. Fireworks are also exceptionally good at removing one’s hand from their arm. Just ask New York Giants pass rusher Jason Pierre-Paul.
Anyway, in our figurative scenario, despite local prohibition and the threat of mutilation, you’ve decided to try fireworks for yourself. Because you once saw the words “Yolo” on a tank top while vacationing in the Bahamas, and damn if the message didn’t stick.
At first, you will probably be careful, because as a product of human evolution you see fire and think “danger.” There will come a point, though, especially if you’ve had one too many Lime-A-Ritas, when a Nasty Idea will arrive at the party, wheedle its way into your nose and onto your frontal lobe. There, the Nasty Idea will wrap its arms around the vulnerable mound of synapses responsible for making all of your worst decisions, and it will get to work.
“Blow it up,” the Nasty Idea will say.
Unsure what the “it” in question is, your eyes, hazed by sweetened Bud Light, will look for anything to pacify this head varmint. Maybe you will spot an action figure, abandoned in the grass, waiting to be plucked by you, its giant god, for ceremonial effigy. Or perhaps it will be a giant gummy bear on the plastic buffet table, its ears nibbled away by peckish partygoers? Or maybe it will be the pool? What if you threw the fireworks in the pool? What if you blew up the pool?
“Blow it up,” the Nasty Idea will scream, grinding its upper teeth on your grey mater.
Here is what I recommend when this moment arrives, and I say this not as a bore or Puritanical spoil sport, but as someone who cares about you, and who is repulsed by hand injuries: watch YouTube videos instead.
I’m not saying “No fireworks.” I’m merely encouraging you to be responsible with explosives, and when it comes time to be irresponsible, open this webpage. Thousands of people have made countless regrettable firework-related choices, and thanks to the internet, you have access to hundreds of them. I’ve assembled a batch that I think will be especially appealing for those of us 9 cans into a Lime-A-Rita bender. All of which is to say these videos are exhilarating, but don’t end with self-violence by the videographer, and a profound burden of shame for you the viewer.
Happy Fourth of July! Stay safe, y’all!
Mini Rockets Fired Under Water
Fireworks under ice
Microwaving – Firecrackers
World’s Largest Gummy Bears Vs Fireworks
5,000 shot Firework Deathstar
Firework Rocket Launcher
Katy Perry – Firework
The “firework” is a metaphor in this case, but like, it’s also an opportunity. Because we don’t talk anymore. Like, talk talk. It’s just that, you know, I worry about your happiness. And I think you should feel good about yourself, even more than you already do. Be the you you want to be. I read that. And look, I’m not just saying this because we’ve had a few Lime-A-Ritas. I appreciate you and I’m proud of you and we just don’t say that enough. Like enough enough. You’re a firework, okay!
So just own the night like it’s the Fourth of July. Because it is.